


Eggs Three Ways

by WhelmedAsterMaster (charlion_em)



Category: Batman - All Media Types, Red Hood and the Outlaws (Comics), Red Robin (Comics)
Genre: First Meeting, Gen, Halloween, M/M, asshole friends, basically a crack fic, egging houses
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-27
Updated: 2016-10-27
Packaged: 2018-08-27 06:23:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,742
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8390632
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/charlion_em/pseuds/WhelmedAsterMaster
Summary: “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY EGGING MY HOUSE??” AU





	

**Author's Note:**

> From @otpisms on tumblr. 
> 
> This is dumb Halloween crack. I wrote a small crap thing on break at work when I saw the prompt... and couldn’t leave it alone.

One of the advantages of moving to the suburbs was being able to instantly spot something, or someone, out of place. It was well worth the commute to the city. His neighborhood was quiet during the day, the occasional jogger or dog walker would pass by, but besides that the streets were empty.

So, when Tim turned his bike down his street that night the dark figure in front of his house stood out.

For half a second he reminded himself it was Halloween, trick-or-treaters would be out and about. Then, reality kicked back in and he remembered he was kept at work three hours late and trick-or-treating was well past over.

As he road closer, he was able to clearly make out the person's movements: the asshole was throwing something at his house and didn’t seem all that worried about a vehicle approaching.

“Is that an egg?” Tim guessed to himself, resigning himself to the fact that it probably was. He pulled his bike up to the curb a few feet away, his headlight illuminating the man.

The man was wearing a dark hoodie and was frozen mid throw.. He stayed frozen, like Tim may miss his dark form if he didn’t make a single movement.

Tim summoned his pent up rage from his bullshit day at work, fueled further by the egg in the man’s hand.

"ARE YOU SERIOUSLY EGGING MY HOUSE?" He wasn't one to yell often, but damn did it feel good. He settled back on his bike, casually kicking out the kickstand and letting the engine run. Idly, he hoped his neighbors weren't disturbed, he didn’t exactly need another _incident_.

The stranger turned, his face obscured by his hoodie. Tim could feel him staring for the long moment before he spoke.

"Huh." The single syllable was accompanied by a shrug of his shoulders and a tilt of his head.

Tim stood from his bike, not deterred by the stranger's imposing presence. He had the advantage of sight.

"Really? 'Huh'? That's all you have to say?" He glared, though the man couldn’t see.

The man stepped out of his headlight and pulled down his hood. "Yea, 'huh'. As in: 'Huh. You're not who I expected'."

The streetlights and moon eliminated the man's face, highlighting the strip of white bangs and smug grin. If the situation were different, Tim would call him handsome. It was a stray thought which Tim could berate himself for later.

"Clean. It. Up."

"You first." The man crossed his arms, unthrown egg held delicately between his gloved fingers. He nodded to the side of the yard, by the mailbox.

"Wha-" Tim’s eyes followed the gesture. "What the fuck that isn't mine."

There, in the grass and oblivious to everything was a shiny new blue sign reading "TRUMP PENCE 2016".

And what the? He didn’t put up any political signs, ever. Let alone one for satan himself. While Tim’s exhausted mind tried to process this glitch in his reality, the stranger spoke again.

"Like I said, you're not who I expected. But no point in lying about it."

Tim’s phone buzzed in his pocket. He ignored it, stepping out in front of his bike. He pointed at the man, “Clean this up before I call the cops.”

“Feh.” He tossed the egg in the air then caught it effortlessly. “I'd be gone by the time they arrived.”

The next time he tossed the egg, Tim reached out, easily plucking it out of the air. Before the man could react, Tim smushed it on his face. He watched gleefully as the yolk ran down his chin.

“No use arguing with a grown ass man who still eggs people’s houses.” Without another glance at the stranger, he moved his bike to his driveway, resigning himself to cleaning up the mess by himself.

Angry sputtering came from the road.“Gross! This is gross. Can I have a napkin or something?” The man wiped at his face with his hoodie sleeve.

“ARe YoU kidding me?” Tim turned his bike off and stomped to the end of his driveway, ranting as he went. ‘You egg MY house. At… whatever freaking hell time this is. And ask me for a napkin? Go away!”

He swiped the sign out of the grass and turned on his heel to head to his door. As he walked, he took his anger out on the sign, bending it in on itself.

“Yo! Don’t get rid of your gross shit on my account!” The man shouted from the street.

With a deep sigh, Tim turned around. His keys were in his hand. So. Close. Why did he always need to have the last word?

Before he could shout back at the man, a car turned down his road. A very familiar, very beat up, car. The car pulled into his driveway, a familiar face leaning out the driver window. At least he would have back up if this dude didn’t leave.

“Hey!” Conner was grinning. “What, don’t like my Halloween decoration? Your yard looked so barren when Gar and I drove past earlier.”

Tim’s grip on the sign tightened. “SERIOUSLY?” He closed his eyes, taking a calming breath. “Con. Even if someone WASN’T egging my house, this would still have pissed me off.”

He hadn’t realized he was pointing until Conner followed his arm to the man in the hoodie. “Dude. Jason?”

“Conner! Yo!”

It took a great effort to not shout again. “You two assholes know each other?” The man- Jason- walked up his driveway to talk to Conner. “No. Screw you two. You’re BOTH cleaning the egg off my house or so help me I’ll make your life miserable Conner!”

He turned back to his front door, brandishing his house key like a weapon. After shoving the sign into the trash, he stomped upstairs for a nice long, hot, shower. Really, he deserved a spa day. Maybe he would treat himself on the weekend as a reward for not running back outside with his mace.

A shower always did wonders for his mood, and he returned downstairs with Conner and his friend out of his mind. He would check his siding and roof tomorrow, but right now he needed coffee and dinner.

He stopped dead when he turned to his kitchen.

“Hey Tim!” Conner waved from his seat at Tim’s dining table. “Sorry, I didn’t expect Jason to actually egg anyone’s house. I thought he was joking about it, but it gave me the idea to throw a yard sign on your lawn.”

“And why is said asshole still here?” Tim glared at the man’s back. His hoodie was gone, soiled by the egg. The shirt he wore was tight, and, despite his irritation, Tim wasn’t above appreciating his shoulder blades and trim waist. Jason stood over his stove, cooking something-- “Oh my god. Are you seriously making eggs right now?”

Jason shrugged without turning around. “Dippy or scrambled?”

“Leave. Now.” Tim crossed to the island, flipping on his Keurig and wishing desperately for the water to boil quicker.

As he stared at the blue light, waiting for it to kick over, a plate slid in front of him. “How about both, then?”

Tim looked up. Jason was close, and yep his earlier assessment was 100% correct, this guy was a looker. The white tuft of bang was alluring, to say the least. And that stubble--

Jason frowned at his silence, looking down. “I’m sorry, okay? Really. I was only targeting those who deserved some Halloween style vengeance and I wouldn’t have egged your house if it wasn’t for that sign.”

“Don’t blame me,” Conner said with a mouth full of eggs.

Tim sighed. “How many houses did you egg?”

Jason looked off to the side as he mentally counted. “Like, five or seven cartons worth? I dunno.”

“Go clean those up too.” He pulled the plate closer. No point in letting decent looking eggs go to waste.

“What? Those people deserve-”

“There is a better way than causing property damage.” The light changed, finally he could have his sweet caffeine. He popped a K-cup into the slot, savoring the smell as it brewed.

“Like?”

Tim shrugged. “Like just ignoring them and not stooping to their level.”

“Or stealing their yard signs. By the way, I stole your neighbor-down-the-road’s sign.” Well, that solved the mystery of where Conner found a sign.

Tim tried the eggs, tentatively taking a bite. They were good. Fantastic even. “Thanks for the eggs. You can get out of my house now.”

“Right.” Jason didn’t make a move to the door.

“Now as in, NOW. Not later.” He took another bite. Okay, the eggs were really good but he wasn’t about to let him know.

Conner laughed from the table. “Jason thinks you’re cute and wants your number.”

That got Jason moving. He sputtered, turning around to glare at Conner. “No I don’t. I mean. You are cute,” he turned back to Tim. “But you wouldn’t give me your number. Not a real one. Or be interested in getting lunch?”

Tim blinked at Jason then slid his eyes to look at Conner. His friend only shrugged with a knowing smile on his face. He glanced back at Jason, who looked to be about to either bolt for the door or melt into the floor.

He should just let him go. Why would he give this guy the time of day? But he was hot. And did clean his house… after throwing the eggs in the first place. And made good eggs.

And how long had it been since someone was interested in him? Don’t answer that.

He sighed. “Coffee.”

“What?”

“Coffee. Tomorrow.”

“Yes.” Jason tried to smirk to cover the blush spreading across his cheeks. “Coffee. With you. Tomorrow.”

Conner laughed, breaking the awkward moment. “He looks like he’d be suave, right? Biggest dork I know besides you, Tim.”

Tim scrawled down his number. “Text me tomorrow morning and we’ll decide on a place.”

“Yea.” Jason’s fingers brushed his own when he grabbed the paper. “Talk to you tomorrow.”

Tim turned to watch him leave, enjoying the view. He blinked up when Conner followed him, pausing in the kitchen doorway. “I offered to give him a ride back to his car. Have fun tomorrow.”

“I have the worst friends.” Tim sipped his coffee.

“You know it!”

With that, Tim was alone with his coffee and eggs, his mood significantly better.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading this crap :D  
> I only gave it a quick read over because if I don’t post now IDK when I’ll be able to. If I missed anything stupid let me know :) 
> 
> I do not condone egging people’s house if they have trump signs. Nope, not I. It is fun to joke about, but just not worth it. I’m with Tim on this one.
> 
> I’m about 2k into the next chapter of affinity! I haven’t forgotten about it! Just need to stir around three ideas before deciding where to go next :3


End file.
